Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Countdown

Today marks the countdown of March. The first day of March means that inevitably there will be a last day of March. March 31st.

Deep breath.

I met someone last week, and when we were talking it slipped out. "My dad died last year" It's the first time I've said that 'd' word out loud. In that sentence. I haven't been able to say that sentence with that word. I've alluded to it. Glossed around it. Tip toed silently...

I don't know why I couldn't say it-- and haven't been able to since. Maybe I was afraid that if I said it out loud it would mean that not only did I accept it, but I was ok with it. Like "brr, it's cold outside"

I've accepted it. Mostly because the evidence is clear. He hasn't been around. He wasn't with us for Christmas. There have been no visits. The boys didn't get birthday surprises from him. I never see him.

But I'm not ok with it. Not sure when I ever will be.

I go in phases. Some times are more difficult than others. This month? Well, we're only one day in, but it seems that there are reminders everywhere.

I miss him.

1 comment:

Kami said...

Oh Jodie, I can't even imagine trying to deal with all the emotions you must be experiencing. It's okay to not be okay with having to admit that you have accepted his death. There will always be sweet reminders of him that tug at your heart and make you long for yesterdays that are filled with wonderful memories of his life, but know that for as much as you love him and long to be with him, he is forevermore in a GLORIOUS place, being loved in the arms of our Savior. I know everybody says it, and it doesn't always make it easier, but to really know the depth of our Father's love for your dad will hopefully bring some comfort!

I love you dearly and would love to get together with you soon. Hoping that these days get easier as they pass!

March 10, 2011 at 3:49 PM

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