Thursday, June 18, 2009

Loss for words...

It seems this is happening more and more to me these days. I am at a loss for words.

Crazy I know.

This week the boys are gone, and today ( I started this post Thursday) I have been feeling a little sad. Brian is at work, no boys home to talk with...I'm alone and feeling a little sorry for myself.

I am discouraged with our house hunt. Brian and I have looked at many homes. We know God is in control of our house hunt. And I am trying to keep that in the front of my brain. But I want to move. I want to find our house. In the right school district. In the right neighborhood. Established neighborhood. With younger couples. We don't want our house to be a duplicate of every other home on our street. We want a beautiful yard space. is out there, we'll find it. And when we do, we'll jump!

I am discouraged with not having a job. It is funny, because for years, I didn't want one. I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE being involved in the school. I absolutely would never ever trade the time that I have been able to spend with my children, w/o a day care provider telling me what their day was like. I knew what their days were like because I was there. My fondest memories, and fuzzy feelings are the days that Brian and I (when he worked the 3pm-11:30pm shift) would take the boys hiking, and to the park, and eat breakfast together, and watch cartoons, read stories...You can't put a salary on that. It is priceless. I am grateful beyond words for all of the years with them.

But, they are in school now. They don't need me home during the day anymore. They look forward to coming home to an empty house once in awhile. The feel of independence. It teaches them to be responsible. I want to encourage that. So I look for positions. I apply for positions. I hear nothing back. Mind you, I don't want a career. I don't want a position that has a huge salary if it means I have to trade in my time with my family. That will never be worth the trade for me, no matter the lifestyle it would bring. If it was important, I would have done it by now. I just want something to do during the day...that does not involve staring at these 4 walls. (and one that pays well of !COURSE! is ideal!) I realize that the market is tight. Few are hiring, and those who have been laid off with more work experience, and education than me are much more attractive to employers. I get that. And truly, there are people out there who have no income at all, and quite frankly, I don't belong in a position that someone who has to be the breadwinner needs. Again, I know God is in control. The right one will come. And again, I will be ready.

Ok, so I was wallowing in these thoughts today. Poor me, I'm sick. Poor me, no houses with great yards. Poor me, I want a supplemental income for myself because I am selfish and want more than the 2 jobs I already have because they aren't "good enough".

And then I read MckMama's blog and my heart went out to this mother. She inspires me, and she encourages me every day. And after reading her message Saturday morning with Brian, we both said a prayer for her family, and for ourselves that we may remember to count our blessings rather than concentrate on what we "think" we want.

Thank you God for our healthy family. Thank you for continuing to guide me, and teach me. My eyes are WIDE open again! No more feeling sorry for myself. I only wish I could offer to Mckmama the wisdom and peace of mind she offers me.

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