Thursday, April 8, 2010

Celebrating Goodbye

Not easy to do.

I wonder how long I will have this numb feeling. The tingling sensation has left my body, so it isn't that kind of numb. Instead it is the numbness in that I have no feeling. Praise God for my husband, He has been a blessing for me in ways I couldn't even begin to recount. He is gently supportive, w/o causing me to feel like I'm a wacko. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not anything really. When will this feeling of not having feelings end?

We said goodbye to dad Tuesday morning. It was a beautiful service, followed by an amazing fireman's tribute, and an emotional military honors service outside in the memorial park where his paver is. The 21 gun salute, taps, the presentation of his flag, along with the drizzling rain, sound of the bagpipes, and claps of thunder, took place directly over this stone. It was heartbreaking to be apart of such a ceremony...for someone I love so much.

There were nearly 300 people the night of his visitation...I don't know how many were there the day of his funeral.

It doesn't surprise me.

He was is so loved.

I spoke during dad's service. I use the word 'spoke' very loosely. I barely made it through, and if not for the hand of Pastor Vogt gently resting on me to give me strength, I may not have made it to the end. But I did.

He gave us a recording of the service.

I've listened to my eulogy. It seems therapeutic for me right now. I meant the words I said. I hope to really follow through with what I said. Listening to my voice in the recording, and hearing the raw pain hopefully will help me to be steadfast in my desire to live and carry through the way my dad did.

I hope to heal. I'm sure I will.

Brian goes back to work for the first time since last Wednesday.

I'm going to miss him.

I work at the school for the next 2 days too. I was scheduled to work all week. Dad had other plans.

Today was my mental health day. I need another one. Several in fact. Many I think.

Thank you to each of you who have offered words of encouragement, support and love. I am honored to call you my friends. I am humbled by the generosity of those who brought us meals, baked goods and flowers. I don't know what I've done to deserve this love, but I am grateful for each of you. I look so forward to getting back into a routine. No more 24 hour shifts, I'm back in my home with my things and my family. The day will come where I will fill my calendar up with social events, and when I do, I hope to see each of you so that I can thank you in person for all you've done the past months, weeks and days.

I will celebrate him.

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