Distractions

They're everywhere. We all get distracted. Some of us more easily than others.

Unfortunately, even distractions will go away. And then you end up alone.

Alone, and remembering what his laugh sounded like.

Remembering the sarcastic conversation that you just couldn't be apart of anymore so you said "goodbye I love you" and all you want to do is rewind and stay.

Reminders everywhere that you'll never be with him again.

Knowing that you'll never get to hug him, talk with him, listen to him or lay eyes on him again.

Trying to hold your head up, put on a brave face. Carry on with everyone else who isn't affected the way you are, and don't know what it feels like on the inside. So you don't say anything because you don't want to burden. Or whine.

But it hurts.

So much.

So much that no distraction really takes your mind off it. It just pulls your attention away for awhile. But it is always waiting for you when the meeting ends, or the friends go home and when the kids go to bed. Then you're alone. No distractions.

And it hurts.

You have conversations with acquaintances, maybe a little too harshly. Then you leave beating yourself up that you weren't more sensitive, or tactful. And then you think...I don't want to be tactful. I don't want to be thoughtful of anyone else. I want to scream and shout about how absolutely unfair this is. It isn't fair. They say they understand. But they don't.

I miss him.

It gets easier they say. Remember the good times they say. He's with God in Heaven they say. He's at peace they say.

I say "shut up".

Terrible right? I don't really say that. But sometimes I want to. Sometimes I want to say...YES I know he is at peace. Yes, I KNOW he is with God. YES I KNOW IT GETS EASIER!!!!

But I'm not with God, and I'm not at peace and it isn't easy RIGHT NOW.

So I cry.

Alot.

I miss him.