Sunday, July 12, 2009

Leap of Faith

Ahhh, another weekend is well under way. Friday night we participated in the Relay for Life out at RCTC. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I was not expecting to be moved to tears, but when the survivors and their caregivers took their first lap, I couldn't help myself. Walking the path and seeing all of the luminaries of those whose lives were taken by cancer was in a word- humbling. It made me reflect again on how terrifically grateful I am that my dad is alive and doing well. God still has a plan for him, and I pray that my dad knows this, and is listening.

The angels are back. You know, the good and bad angels. They are sitting on my shoulders. They haven't gone away because I haven't yet made a decision about which route to take.
I am tired. I am fighting a personal battle that just doesn't seem to have an end. What makes this even harder is knowing that this is someone that until recent years was an ally. This isn't someone I set out to have differences with. This isn't someone I even want to be battling. Unfortunately, I don't get to pick all of the players, and it seems that perhaps some players don't see this the way I do.
I am trying to leave this to God. I have imagined harsh conversations where I just blurt out all that I know--because I know it will hurt. I have written letters that would set the record straight, and clear up untruths. I have fully mapped out what I would say when given an opportunity to defend myself, because I know the things that have been said about me, and the impression that has been laid out about me is false.

But I don't send the letters. I don't speak the words. I and I don't initiate the conversations.

And it is hard.

I am looking for strength, because I am weak. I am looking for guidance because I am lost. I am searching for forgiveness so that I may forgive.

It isn't easy to forgive people who hurt you. It is hard to reach out to people you don't trust. It is painful to respect people who don't respect you. But that is what I am supposed to do isn't it?

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

—Colossians 3:12-13

It is relatively easy to sit in front of a computer, and type in some one of the verses that I cling to to get me through some of my darker moments. I do a spell check, and hit publish post, and I walk away. Easy right? The hard part is following through. EVERY. TIME.

But I have to. For Brian. For my sweet sweet boys. For the people who have deceived, and for those blind to the deceit.

And for me. I trust that God will guide me. That He will walk me through this, with my hand firmly in His. That with His patience and mercy, I will not only get through this, but I will be able to hold my head high. I want that for me. I know not what the future will hold. I know not what lies ahead in this battle, and I don't know how many more times I will fall to my knees in prayer just begging for answers to the questions that I have.

But I know that I am not alone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I don't know the difference yet.

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