Friday, December 11, 2009
Dad is in the VA Hospital again. Far away in the cities where we can't just drop in to visit him after school for a little bit. We'd like to call him, but given the fact that the LAST time cancer attacked his body he had his voicebox removed along with lymph nodes and anything else that looked like it could carry cancer. So, no talking to him on the phone. Just go up this weekend and visit him right? Oh, yea that would be great if the boys were going to be home, and if they didn't have their Christmas program and several practices taking up the next couple of days. Take a day off work and drive up to visit. Yep, great idea, except that B has had some health issues of his own as of late, and needed to take several days off of work to do testing, and now he is a little behind, and is unable to take anymore time off right now.
What is the Plan?
The Plan is to remember that Someone else is in control of this. Whether I see my dad in the hospital, or not, He is taking care of him.
The Plan is to keep focus on the other things going on right now, (cuz by golly, life doesn't stop just because there is a crisis) and know that God has my dad so firmly in His hands and that anything that happens from here forward --and backward-- is part of His plan.
The Plan is to put on a brave face even when I want to curl up and cry.
The Plan is to know that even if that dreadful C word has taken over my dad's body, and worse case scenario, they can't fix it, he has our Father waiting for him.
Am I getting ahead of myself here? Maybe? No one - including the doctors - really knows right now. We still don't have many answers. Will the doctors cut and tuck and remove and replace, and whatever else they do to make my dad better? Possibly. Maybe even likely.
But we don't know.
I'm home alone for the first time in...I can't remember how long. So after doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, straightening our bedroom, ignoring the dog, and surfing the net, I have finally settled on the sofa because I have been unable to take my mind off of this matter. So maybe my faith isn't as strong as I want it to be. Maybe I am not able to just give it over to Him, and know that He is in control. How do I accept that this is happening to MY DAD. My dad. Again. I'm so sad right now, but I'm trying to hold it in. I'm trying to be brave. I'm trying to focus on the positive. I'm trying to do all of the things I just wrote about. I'm not doing very well.
So what is The Plan?
The Plan is to pray.
Because really, right now, that is all I can do. I could cry. Will that heal him? I could curl up and ignore the world. Will that heal him? I could stomp my feet and get mad at God. Will that heal him? I could ignore the rest of my life and put everything else on hold. No holiday parties, no Christmas programs, no work, no household duties--all of the things I'd like to postpone right now. Will that heal him? I feel like a cloud is over my head. I feel selfish for feeling this way. There are many people going through MUCH worse than this. So I should just buck up and be grateful that it isn't worse. Or is it? We don't know.
So I'll pray. I'll pray to have the strength to give this to Him. I'll pray for peace over my mind. I'll pray for the earthly ability to remove the cancer from all of the sites that it has come back to. (yep, there are more than one this time - 3 so far. 3 very different spots. Not close to each other spots)
The Plan is to pray.
Thank you to all of you who have facebooked, emailed or left a comment with your support. I am grateful for your prayers, because I'm pretty lousy right now. I'm trying. I'll keep trying.
And I'll keep praying.
Because that is The Plan.