Tuesday, January 19, 2010

One Day

One day.

We've all had - at some point in our lives - one day that we really look forward to. Maybe it is high school graduation day. Years of tests and early mornings, and school work...done! We look forward to graduation day as if all of those exams, and papers and late night study sessions will end with that final bell. Of course, for many, that one day is only the beginning.
Maybe it is a wedding day. Months, for some years, of preparations, deposits, tears, diets, planning, tastings, budgeting...and then. It's over. In one day.
Buying your first house. B and I bought our first house together in 2003. It was such an amazing feeling. Walking in, giddy, nervous, anxious to get to the house and walk across the threshold. Knowing it was ours. His first home. My first home. The boys' first real home.
The birth of a child. Months of weight gain, swelling, kicking, heartburn, hormones...all for that sweet smelling, silky soft, cuddle loving babe. In one day (or if you're my babies you took 29 and 49 hours respectively)
We look forward to these days, and when they pass, we look forward to the next best thing.

And then there are the days we look forward to for different reasons. Like the day you find out whether there is any hope for life.

I wouldn't say that I am "looking forward" to tomorrow. But I am definitely eager to have some answers. It has been such a roller coaster lately, and I have been holding on to hope that maybe, just maybe, the first diagnosis is wrong.
After tomorrow we will know for sure if proceeding with any treatments would be of any use. Tomorrow we will know if we should make preparations for him to begin chemo treatments at VA, or if we should prepare for him to live on with Our Father.

We will also meet with Palliative Care...that isn't a good sign. My emotions are so tightly wound right now. My mind is consumed with this pending day. It has been looming out there in front of me for a month. I'm so emotionally spent already, because I don't know where to direct my feelings. Fear? Hope? Grief? Anger? Resolve? Remorse? Gratitude? I know fear is useless from dad's perspective--look at the Prize he gets if treatment isn't a viable option. Hope. Maybe not a worthy emotion right now, as I know that He has plan, and hoping for something doesn't change what He has in store. Grief, let's be real. There really is no way around that emotion right now. Anger. Yea, I'm a little angry. With dad for letting it get to this point, with cigarette manufacturers, with doctors for not curing him the first time and truthfully, I'm a little angry with You Know Who. It is another wasted emotion I know, and I am praying for it. None of these factors are to blame for sure...but it's easy to find someone to lay the blame on. Resolve. This is coming with prayer. Again-- He has a plan. I just have to trust. Remorseful because over the years I have had a touch and go relationship with my dad. For many years Brian and I were very close with my dad, we spend a lot of time with him. Dinners, drinks, afternoons in his yard, just talking. Both with and w/o the boys. And in the last few years we've been so busy that we haven't made the effort. And then we were hit with the news last spring. Gratitude. I am grateful that He is in charge, and that "all" I have to do is pray. I am grateful that if treatment isn't an option, that my dad will be saved. He'll be saved.

In one day we'll know.

One day.

1 comment:

Kami said...

I'm praying for you sweetie. Know that it is through Him that you are made strong in your weak moments!